10.31.2011

Fairbanks Ruby Port

Fairbanks Ruby Port
Origin: California
Alcohol: 18%

Sometimes you have to take one for the team and drink something that's borderline nasty and strictly bottom-shelf booze (ie. Olde English), if for no reason other than curiosity and for shits and giggles.  

This time, it's Fairbanks Ruby Port, port of course being a wine fortified to bring the alcohol up a notch.  This stuff is a lofty 18% alcohol.  Which doesn't sound all that impressive, but that's around 30% stronger than typical wine, which adds up after a couple drinks.  Trust me.  You'll be dancing on the table in no time.  

Now I've had some good port, but this isn't one of them.
Seriously?
I almost feel compelled to write about a real-life time I was drinking that involved elves, a Santa costume, and a donkey... but I don't know if this hooch deserves such funny stories.  So instead, we'll get right into the review:  Fairbanks Ruby Port pours a translucent, bright ruby red.  So far so good.  It has aromas of, I kid you not, fresh cherries and Swedish Fish.  You know, those artificially-flavored chewy, little, red candy fish?  Yeah, this stuff smells a lot like those disgusting things.  That's bad enough, but still not the worst part.  You take a sip and get straight-up cherry cough syrup. You read right, CHERRY COUGH SYRUP.  What the Hell?! !! $^$@!!  It tastes of fake, medicinal cherry and harsh alcohol.  It's only marginally better than drinking real cough syrup, except it won't help your cough.  The first glass is gross, but oddly enough if you can stomach it, the second glass doesn't seem all that bad. 

The guy at the liquor store recommended this saying, "Lots of people sure buy the Fairbanks port."  And yeah, those lots of people are probably homeless.  Maybe he was just playing a joke on me.  That bastard.  I kid you not, this stuff only costs $3 for a 750mL bottle.  That's certainly a pretty good cost-to-alcohol ratio.  I can't decide if it's better than MD 20/20 and Boone's Farm, but it certainly fits into the same category of gross, boozy sweetness.  At least this stuff is made from real wine.

Drink This: if you like nasty, fake cherry flavor and want to get your drink on... but only have $3.
Don't Drink This: if you have more than $3 to spend on booze.         

105 comments:

  1. Quite funny. I came here searching for information on the process involved in making Fairbanks port. Apparently it is a dark secret; that or it really is made by a process similar to real port-making.

    If not for the alcohol content, I imagine it would be popular amongst children, or perhaps British children with arthritis.

    You see, I very much like port and seek to drink it on a budget. However, judging by your review and my own personal experience, this is an unreasonable ambition. And a pity it is!

    Since there is no actual information available on this query of mine, I shall conjecture below with how I presume it is made (Fairbanks).

    I figure they must start by sending the homeless en masse into discount food stores to purchase the cheapest grapejuice available. When prices are up, applejuice is used for sweetness, and cherry-koolaid for coloring.

    While it is unlikely that isopropyl alcohol is used, I suspect the fortification process is achieved through the use of bottom-shelf grain alcohol, though this is nothing I am confident of. It may be Brazilian ethanol.

    I am not sure if I've put this in proper chronological order, but at some point in time the liquid is thrown into large vats made of cement. There, it remains until Fairbanks feels like bottling it.

    But of course all the above could be avoided by simply pouring Mad Dog 20/20 into different bottles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Was this stuff actually made from grapes?! I feel certain that the alcohol level was brought up with raw ethanol, and not with brandy (distilled wine). It's gross, and I am surprised that the drain down which I ploured it, did not spit it back up.

      Delete
  2. Port Authority,

    You may have stumbled upon their dark, dark secret method!

    I like how you think...

    ReplyDelete
  3. We made the mistake of purchasing this. Their sherry (in my opinion) was not bad. Generally, in the past, we've gotten Taylor port (which is acceptable, but not great). However...my husband tasted a half-glass of this stuff and proceeded to go back out to get a bottle of Sandeman's. SO MUCH BETTER!! (He also made homeless /cough syrup / Thunderbird allusions.....)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll have to track down a bottle of their sherry! Not that it's very hard to taste better than this stuff, but hey, I'm down to try anything. Glad to see your husband has good taste.

      Thanks for the comment!

      Delete
  4. I love Port. I'll drink a bottle a day at times; but I don't collect the paycheck to easily justify it. I'd always drank Taylor Fladgate Fine Tawny, which is about eleven dollars a bottle if I buy four at a time. Frankly, it's a very good port for the frequent drinker; but I'd hoped to cut down my expense and took a chance on Fairbanks. I ought have known better; I'd done the same thing with Sheffield Sherry. The fact is, one CANNOT buy a decent fortified-wine for under ten dollars. There's no way around it. I found Fairbanks Port to taste like cheap balsamic vinegar. But I simply had to try it before I could reject it, and what the hell, went for the magnum-size (if price wasn't an indication of low-quality--that ought have been). It's gradually disappearing by the same method I got rid of my cheap, California Sherry: Orange juice and soda. It's drinkable that way, and I could probably cook with it, too. Anyway, unless you're looking for a cheap mixer, stay away from the stuff, and stick to Taylor's.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This was funny! I grew up seeing this as a baking wine. if you want to put some in a cake or something it adds a good flavor. We normally put it in the cake then soak the cake in it after baking. Once again great taste. Never thought to just drink the thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yah know, after reading these reviews I knew something was wrong. I think I'll upgrade. Does anyone have a good suggestion?

      Delete
  6. And now its 9.99 for a bottle & seems to me the same thing. But I tasted raspberries not cherries

    ReplyDelete
  7. I like max it up with Robatussin DM cherry cough elixer for a party punch...(^_^)...It is awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  8. For the price- it's a great port. I have a feeling, that some reviews are written by competitors. Speaking of "dark secret" of the Brazilian ethanol- I don't think it's going to fly with whistle blowers laws in this country. Also, being an expert of Russian ports in my student youth, I perfectly know a taste of grain ethanol in port. Also, in Russia in 70's was a brand knowingly adding grain ethanol in to the cheap fruit wine and i caused a several deaths, so it's production was stopped. I don't believe any American producer would want to save couple pennies by adding grain alcohol. Also, there is a certain technology in port preparation. You guys should educate Your self before posting senseless accusations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't believe that you actually paid this stuff even a qualified compliment (good for the price)! I made the mistake of buying this at a grocery store (due to lack of selection), but after a few sips decided it did not merit drinking, and I poured it out.

      Delete
  9. Oh my word. Worse alcohol experience ever. Insta-hangover. Horrible headache within an hour... never will I ever drink this bottled hell.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was considering buying this...so glad I didn't! Thanks for the review.

      Delete
  10. Oh my, it's not that bad. I actually like it, it gives me the buzz I need to fall asleep. More for the dollar than finer ports.

    ReplyDelete
  11. We crock pot pork loins and beef tips in it... pretty darn tasty when used for that :-)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I couldn't help but buy this because of the name... made me think that somewhere some long lost ancestor was making a port I could afford. :-) We use it only for cooking.

    ReplyDelete
  13. So, this stuff is made in California.

    If it's made near Silicon Valley, would that make it a "USB port"? :)

    For what it's worth, I don't think the stuff is too bad. But then, I couldn't tell any difference whatsoever between 2-year and 10-year Sandeman port when I taste-tested a bottle of each, so maybe I just don't have a palate.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Founded in 1969, Dharam is an Indian diamond manufacturing and design brand, noted for its intricate depiction and precise cuts to produce opulent diamond designs. diamond supplier

    ReplyDelete
  15. Merely a smiling visitant here to share the love (:, btw outstanding style. loose diamond manufacturer

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wonderful blog! I found it while surfing around on Yahoo News. Do you have any suggestions on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Appreciate it. 먹튀검증

    ReplyDelete
  17. That is the excellent mindset, nonetheless is just not help to make every sence whatsoever preaching about that mather. Virtually any method many thanks in addition to i had endeavor to promote your own article in to delicius nevertheless it is apparently a dilemma using your information sites can you please recheck the idea. thanks once more. esa letter

    ReplyDelete
  18. An interesting dialogue is price comment. I feel that it is best to write more on this matter, it may not be a taboo topic however usually individuals are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers. 토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  19. Worst port wine I've had the misfortune of tasting/wasting my money on.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Keep up the good work , I read few posts on this web site and I conceive that your blog is very interesting and has sets of fantastic information. 온라인카지노

    ReplyDelete
  21. Impressive web site, Distinguished feedback that I can tackle. Im moving forward and may apply to my current job as a pet sitter, which is very enjoyable, but I need to additional expand. Regards. 토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  22. Nice to be visiting your blog once more, it has been months for me. Well this article that ive been waited for therefore long. i want this article to finish my assignment within the faculty, and it has same topic together with your article. Thanks, nice share. click here

    ReplyDelete
  23. I heard that the longer the wine is aged, the deeper the aroma and taste.
    Chile and France are aware that many of the vineyards were devastated during World War I.토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  24. It was wondering if I could use this write-up on my other website, I will link it back to your website though.Great Thanks. Bartley Vue Condo

    ReplyDelete
  25. Good website! I truly love how it is easy on my eyes it is. I am wondering how I might be notified whenever a new post has been made. I have subscribed to your RSS which may do the trick? Have a great day! 토토커뮤니티

    ReplyDelete
  26. If more people that write articles involved themselves with writing great content like you, more readers would be interested in their writings. I have learned too many things from your article. DSW Near me

    ReplyDelete
  27. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. After all I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon! 토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  28. Thank you so much as you have been willing to share information with us. We will forever admire all you have done here because you have made my work as easy as ABC. Adobe Photoshop Free Download

    ReplyDelete
  29. I exactly got what you mean, thanks for posting. And, I am too much happy to find this website on the world of Google. toolbox

    ReplyDelete
  30. Wow, this is really interesting reading. I am glad I found this and got to read it. Great job on this content. I like it. 바카라사이트

    ReplyDelete
  31. I am incapable of reading articles online very often, but I’m happy I did today. It is very well written, and your points are well-expressed. I request you warmly, please, don’t ever stop writing. gclub casino

    ReplyDelete
  32. This blog website is pretty cool! How was it made ! here

    ReplyDelete
  33. You have done a great job on this article. It’s very readable and highly intelligent. You have even managed to make it understandable and easy to read. You have some real writing talent. Thank you. เว็บคาสิโนออนไลน์

    ReplyDelete
  34. You understand your projects stand out of the crowd. There is something unique about them. It seems to me all of them are brilliant. keratin treatment Singapore

    ReplyDelete
  35. What is an outstanding post! “I’ll be back” (to read more of your content). Thanks for the nudge! Fence installation Bakersfield

    ReplyDelete
  36. I am jovial you take pride in what you write. It makes you stand way out from many other writers that can not push high-quality content like you. https://upwardtrading.com/

    ReplyDelete
  37. nice post, keep up with this interesting work. It really is good to know that this topic is being covered also on this web site so cheers for taking time to discuss this! Business Branding Consulting Service

    ReplyDelete
  38. You have done a great job on this article. It’s very readable and highly intelligent. You have even managed to make it understandable and easy to read. You have some real writing talent. Thank you. 토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  39. Thanks for a wonderful share. Your article has proved your hard work and experience you have got in this field. Brilliant .i love it reading. Buy THC Vape Cape Cartridges

    ReplyDelete
  40. I would like to say that this blog really convinced me to do it! Thanks, very good post. 릴게임

    ReplyDelete
  41. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. After all I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon! how to unlock vulpera shadowlands

    ReplyDelete
  42. Great post, you have pointed out some fantastic points , I likewise think this s a very wonderful website. Business Branding Consulting

    ReplyDelete
  43. I can’t imagine focusing long enough to research; much less write this kind of article. You’ve outdone yourself with this material. This is great content. 먹튀검증커뮤니티

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hi there! Nice post! Please tell us when I will see a follow up! joker123

    ReplyDelete
  45. I have read your article, it is very informative and helpful for me.I admire the valuable information you offer in your articles. Thanks for posting it.. buy packwoods marathon Uncle sam OG

    ReplyDelete
  46. Good website! I truly love how it is easy on my eyes it is. I am wondering how I might be notified whenever a new post has been made. I have subscribed to your RSS which may do the trick? Have a great day! 먹튀검증

    ReplyDelete
  47. An fascinating discussion is value comment. I think that it is best to write extra on this matter, it won’t be a taboo topic however generally people are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers เครดิตฟรี

    ReplyDelete
  48. Your articles are inventive. I am looking forward to reading the plethora of articles that you have linked here. Thumbs up! 88카

    ReplyDelete
  49. Merely a smiling visitant here to share the love (:, btw outstanding style. 토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  50. Liposuction is a vacuum cleaner for fat. With unparalleled safety and minimal discomfort, the surgeon uses a pump to suck out unwanted areas of fat. linked here

    ReplyDelete
  51. Hi there! Nice stuff, do keep me posted when you post again something like this! 123movies

    ReplyDelete
  52. I cannot wait to dig deep and kickoff utilizing resources that I received from you. Your exuberance is refreshing. 먹튀사이트

    ReplyDelete
  53. Impressive web site, Distinguished feedback that I can tackle. Im moving forward and may apply to my current job as a pet sitter, which is very enjoyable, but I need to additional expand. Regards. 먹튀검증

    ReplyDelete
  54. You can judge the valve function. Therefore, it is possible to accurately identify the area of ​​abnormality and select an appropriate treatment and treatment range for it.메이저사이트

    ReplyDelete
  55. At Inovi, we’re committed to achieving the highest success rates while providing personalized care to our patients. Our Houston location offers expert care and is home to our state-of-the-art embryology lab. site web

    ReplyDelete
  56. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. After all I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon! sbobet login

    ReplyDelete
  57. Please let me know if you’re looking for a article writer for your site. You have some really great posts and I feel I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely love to write some material for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please send me an email if interested. Thank you! mechanics of materials 10th edition solutions

    ReplyDelete
  58. You there, this is really good post here. Thanks for taking the time to post such valuable information. Quality content is what always gets the visitors coming. digital perm price

    ReplyDelete
  59. You have a genuine capacity for composing exceptional substance. I like how you think and the way you speak to your perspectives in this article. I concur with your state of mind. Much obliged to you for sharing.Know Shunt

    ReplyDelete
  60. Positive site, where did u come up with the information on this posting? I'm pleased I discovered it though, ill be checking back soon to find out what additional posts you include. 파워볼사이트

    ReplyDelete
  61. I admire this article for the well-researched content and excellent wording. I got so involved in this material that I couldn’t stop reading. I am impressed with your work and skill. Thank you so much. 토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  62. I would like to say that this blog really convinced me to do it! Thanks, very good post. Best Computer Monitor

    ReplyDelete
  63. One of the moreimpressive blogs I’ve seen. Thanks so much for keeping the internet classy for a change. You’ve got class. I mean it. Please keep it up because without thenet is definitely lacking in intelligence. Best PC Monitor

    ReplyDelete
  64. At Inovi, we’re committed to achieving the highest success rates while providing personalized care to our patients. Our Houston location offers expert care and is home to our state-of-the-art embryology lab. Our Facility

    ReplyDelete
  65. RSJ is at the top of our game when it comes to tax-minimization strategies for asset growth, protection and transfer. We have always known that something was missing from traditional estate planning for high-net-worth families. Business Advisory

    ReplyDelete
  66. Great post, you have pointed out some fantastic points , I likewise think this s a very wonderful website. xnxubd 2020 nvidia new

    ReplyDelete
  67. I love visiting sites in my free time. I have visited many sites but did not find any site more efficient than yours. Thanks for the nudge! Massey Ferguson 385 4wd for sale

    ReplyDelete
  68. Wow, cool post. I'd like to write like this too - taking time and real hard work to make a great article... but I put things off too much and never seem to get started. Thanks though. 토토

    ReplyDelete
  69. This is very educational content and written well for a change. It's nice to see that some people still understand how to write a quality post! site de streaming

    ReplyDelete
  70. Imagen offers a variety of advanced treatments and procedures, unavailable at any other clinic in Nebraska. Our board-certified physicians are highly trained in the most advanced facial rejuvenation techniques, performing thousands of injections and cosmetic procedures each year. her comment is here

    ReplyDelete
  71. Intelemark can help you make the best use of your time during this crisis. We can save you time and money – NOW is the time to clean up old prospect lists while you focus your time and effort on closing sales with qualified leads. https://www.intelemark.com/

    ReplyDelete
  72. Whenever I have some free time, I visit blogs to get some useful info. Today, I found your blog with the help of Google. Believe me; I found it one of the most informative blog. บาคาร่าออนไลน์

    ReplyDelete
  73. I read that Post and got it fine and informative. togel sgp

    ReplyDelete
  74. I think this is an informative post and it is very useful and knowledgeable. therefore, I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article. 대전마사지

    ReplyDelete
  75. Under every category, you ought to realize the listing of gadgets which are allowed or disallowed, authorized weight and different aspects, so one can get your shipments cleared with none hassles.Shipping from China to Us

    ReplyDelete
  76. Your blog is too much amazing. I have found with ease what I was looking. Moreover, the content quality is awesome. Thanks for the nudge! 대전건마

    ReplyDelete
  77. I just found this blog and have high hopes for it to continue. Keep up the great work, its hard to find good ones. I have added to my favorites. Thank You. ฉีดฟิลเลอร์ร่องแก้ม

    ReplyDelete
  78. A very awesome blog post. We are really grateful for your blog post. You will find a lot of approaches after visiting your post. ฉีดฟิลเลอร์ใต้ตา

    ReplyDelete
  79. Your company must be able to articulate your value proposition and address the challenges your prospects face on a daily basis in their business. If you can communicate how your products or services can help solve their pain points and help their business to grow, thrive, and sustain, your lead generation efforts will resonate with prospects in a meaningful way. https://www.intelemark.com/

    ReplyDelete
  80. 3D Multi-layered Mink Fur Eyelashes adopt the latest manufacturing technology and thus are the kind of man-made lashes which look closest to the natural human lashes. mink eyelashes

    ReplyDelete
  81. Interesting topic for a blog. I have been searching the Internet for fun and came upon your website. Fabulous post. Thanks a ton for sharing your knowledge! It is great to see that some people still put in an effort into managing their websites. I'll be sure to check back again real soon. office 2010 torrent

    ReplyDelete
  82. Hello I am so delighted I located your blog, I really located you by mistake, while I was watching on google for something else, Anyways I am here now and could just like to say thank for a tremendous post and a all round entertaining website. Please do keep up the great work. 바둑이게임

    ReplyDelete
  83. Nice post. I was checking constantly this blog and I’m impressed! Extremely useful info specially the last part I care for such information a lot. I was seeking this certain info for a long time. Thank you and good luck. 토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  84. I am definitely enjoying your website. You definitely have some great insight and great stories. 먹튀검증

    ReplyDelete
  85. It was wondering if I could use this write-up on my other website, I will link it back to your website though.Great Thanks. vergleichen

    ReplyDelete
  86. When your website or blog goes live for the first time, it is exciting. That is until you realize no one but you and your. toryburchoutlet.org

    ReplyDelete
  87. If you are looking for more information about flat rate locksmith Las Vegas check that right away. www.seoservicesindelhi.in/

    ReplyDelete
  88. nice post, keep up with this interesting work. It really is good to know that this topic is being covered also on this web site so cheers for taking time to discuss this! https://www.techsite.io/p/2572927/t/what-is-the-ashford-formula

    ReplyDelete
  89. Great things you’ve always shared with us. Just keep writing this kind of posts.The time which was wasted in traveling for tuition now it can be used for studies.Thanks https://digitalanalog.in/

    ReplyDelete
  90. Great things you’ve always shared with us. Just keep writing this kind of posts.The time which was wasted in traveling for tuition now it can be used for studies.Thanks https://www.goshlife.com/vitamin-c-face-serum.html

    ReplyDelete
  91. Awesome article, it was exceptionally helpful! I simply began in this and I'm becoming more acquainted with it better! Cheers, keep doing awesome! http://www.toryburchoutlet.org/

    ReplyDelete
  92. Awesome article, it was exceptionally helpful! I simply began in this and I'm becoming more acquainted with it better! Cheers, keep doing awesome! http://digitalanalog.in/

    ReplyDelete
  93. Really I enjoy your site with effective and useful information. It is included very nice post with a lot of our resources.thanks for share. i enjoy this post. https://dynamichealthstaff.com/nursing-jobs-in-kuwait

    ReplyDelete
  94. Very efficiently written information. It will be beneficial to anybody who utilizes it, including me. Keep up the good work. For sure i will check out more posts. This site seems to get a good amount of visitors. https://www.goshlife.com/vitamin-c-face-serum.html

    ReplyDelete
  95. Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is a very well written article. I’ll be sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I’ll definitely return. 먹튀폴리스

    ReplyDelete
  96. I really appreciate this wonderful post that you have provided for us. I assure this would be beneficial for most of the people. 토토커뮤니티

    ReplyDelete

  97. Your website is really cool and this is a great inspiring article buy google reviews

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Affiliates

.