Joose Más Mango
Joose Más Mango
And here we are again. This time it's a review of Joose Más Mango!
Sounds exciting... almost.
I've actually been pretty sick off and on over the past few weeks, hence the very few beverage reviews lately. But now, I'm feeling better and my old tastebuds and sniffer seem to have returned to normal.
If you've read through some of my reviews, you'll no doubt notice that every once in awhile I have to take one for the team and review something cheap as shit. And here you go, Joose Más Mango. Since the PR company for Joose did not send this to me, I have no reason to withhold a negative review. I paid my hard earned cash for this can of liquid spew.
Joose Más Mango is another in a never ending series of flavor after flavor of high-proof "premium" malt liquors geared toward young drinkers and people with no class. Seriously, if you want something that's approximately the same strength and proof, just buy a cheap bottle of wine. Not only will it provide same level of alcohol, but it'll be healthier and a helluva lot tastier. Just sayin'. But if you choose Joose Más Mango, it's because nothing is as appetizing as Certified Color that seems to glow in the dark.
Joose Más Mango is an impressive 12% alcohol, which is probably its only redeeming quality. It pours a radiant orange color and smells like tropical citrus candy not unlike a bag of LifeSavers. Tasting is where the flaming bag of donkey dung hits the fan. The initial flavor is that of syrupy sweet artificial mango and peach flavors followed immediately by the most bitter and nasty adjunct grain finish I've ever tasted in a malt liquor. It's a flavor that's acrid, and almost reminds me of that hydrochloric acid taste you get in the back of your throat that triggers gagging right before you puke. This bitter adjunct grain flavor lingers and lingers on the tongue long after swallowing, tricking you into taking another sip just to get a hit of sweetness to mask the aftertaste, even if only for a moment. If that sounds delicious, that's because either A) you suck at reading or B) you've been on the Jerry Springer Show.
Saying this is terrible is an understatement. This is quite easily one of the grossest things I've put in my mouth since I started this review blog a few years ago (and many of the grossest drinks I've never formally reviewed). But, I figured I owed you guys a word of warning about this stuff. If you decide to drink this, have it ice-cold and drink it hella' fast, otherwise you'll be sorry. You've been warned.
Drink This: if you... wait, no. Don't.
Don't Drink This: if you have access to cheap $3 wine which is going to cost the same and be the same percentage alcohol, but MUCH, MUCH better in many, many ways.
Cheers, my friends! Drink responsibly.