10.08.2011

Olde English 800


 Olde English "800"
40 Ounces
Alcohol: 7.7%
Even though I drink a lot of great drinks, I'm not above drinking some less than desirable or downright nasty, bottom shelf stuff (Bud Light Lime and Monte Alban Mezcal for example).  Typically this only happens when A) it's the only drink available or B) I'm already mostly drunk and start making poor decisions.

For my review of Olde English "800" the 40 ounce beast (also passionately called OE40 or OE800, if you're into that sort of thing), I didn't even bother pouring it into a glass.  Instead I put on a white tank top and jean shorts, laid on a park bench, and drank it straight from the bottle which was still in the brown bag.  Okay, not really.  
But I wanted to.  

Olde English "800" is a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor that I guess is trying to imitate beer.  What that means is this liquid is ridiculously disgusting.  It smells of stale dank malts with hints of lemon floor cleaner.  You take a sip and are greeted by a flat, minerally rice flavor, an oddly lingering moldy sweetness and musk, with a very forward grain alcohol bite.  The first couple of sips make you try not to gag.  Then the rest of the bottle makes you question why you're drinking this vile stuff when you have a liquor cabinet full of quality beverages, but magically you get weird cravings to put your car on cinder blocks and watch monster trucks which suddenly doesn't seem all that unpleasant.  You finally finish the bottle and go into a full-blown existential crisis, questioning your life and the meaning of it all.  Why am I here? What's my purpose? Why did I just drink that?  Fortunately, this is short-lived as your stomach is soon trying to force this liquid back out your dirty pie hole.

Once upon a time, my younger brother told me about a drinking game his college buddies did called "Edward 40 Hands," referencing of course, the wonderful Tim Burton movie.  This is where several people duct tape a 40 of Olde English to each of their hands, making them unable to do anything but drink down two bottles of this gloriously disgusting malt liquor.  The rules are you cannot go the bathroom until both bottles are finished and if you puke, you lose.  Simple enough.  

After hearing about this drinking game, since I'm a smart, educated, college-graduate, I said, "Hell yes, bro, let's do this!"  Or something equally stupid and overly-enthusiastic.  The thing you have to realize is, I'm always up for a challenge, to the point of stupidity.  Fortunately... he declined.  Instead, after some negotiation, we decided to just see who could chug a 40 of Olde English the quickest.  I figured since he was still in the peak of his college drinking prime and I was a guy with a wife and kids, I had no chance, but damn if I wasn't going to try. 

We started drinking and things were neck and neck for the first half of our bottles, both of us chugging it down.  Then I started to get ahead, but was stopped when I had to take a breather.  I'm pretty much an old man compared to him, after all.  My brother took this opportunity to try to pass me and chugged even faster.  Then... he stopped.  He paces around my living room, Olde English in hand, looking a bit worried... when all of sudden, he runs to the back door, opens it, and pukes yellow grossness on my back steps.  I don't know what the hell he ate, but seriously, that's not cool.  So, I stop drinking, declaring myself the victor!  After all, he spewed chowder.  He, of course, says that he drank more than me so he won, which is lame since he puked.  Instant disqualification in my mind.  That was the end of my drinking that night, but in true college drinking spirit, my brother was drinking Keystone (or some other pale yellow, watery beer) within a half hour.  What a trooper... or something.

Drink This: if you want a cheap buzz and have a hardcore, strong stomach.
Don't Drink This: if you have any sense in your head or if you access to any other form of alcohol.  Or perhaps you should stick to drinking water instead.  That's probably a smarter decision.  But can somebody tell me why they put an "e" in the word Olde?  Are they trying to trick you into thinking this stuff is fancy and British?  Because it's not.  It's gross.  

22 comments:

  1. worst review ever. die yuppie scum!

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  2. Well, at least somebody sticks up for this stuff! ;)

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  3. I love this stuff, at least the Canadian version. I don't know why, people always say this stuff is awful, but I love it. Compared to beer id pick this any day of the week.

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    1. Is the Canadian version different???

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  4. The "white tanktop and jean shorts" really tempted me, but I know better. That shit'll make a nun into a gangster.

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  5. Hell yeah. good ol' gansta shiznit.

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  6. Great review. I laughed the whole way.

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  7. I didn't believe this until I tried it, but this quite honestly works with any malt liquor if that's what's available.

    Drink the dome, and refill to the top with orange juice. Apparently in some places its known as a brass monkey.

    Either way, makes it about 1000x more drinkable.

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    Replies
    1. Interesting idea... might actually not be completely terrible.

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    2. Try a squirt of MIO water flavor enhancer (tangerine is good)the color changes to neon orange.Pour it on ice in a big gulp cup.Great for a park bench drink anytime.

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  8. Bob, I give it to you in the shear guts department. That stuff is the nastiest of the nasty! In the seventies I had a roommate who made this her daily tipple, based I'm sure on the price to alcohol content ratio. To my mind, this very cheap buzz aspect is the sole reason for the existence of this swill.

    As I can testify, it makes the drinker's breath absolutely foul to anyone who comes into contact with them. Don't use this for 'secret' drinking, it shouts its presence far and wide. This poor woman was living a sad life, made sadder by Olde English 800. She died rather young to no one's real surprise.

    Caveat Emptor, Let the buyer beware.

    Dave

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    1. What a sad story. Damn you, Olde English!

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  9. I used to crush two of these every party in highschool. I tried it again recently, impossibru.

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  10. It is not so unpleasant a taste so i disagree with this silly anecdotal review. But it is quite heavy and sweet. It will provide quite a powerful buzz, but to be followed by a headache not long after. It is probably quite unhealthy.

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    Replies
    1. I agree with everything you said, except the headache part.

      Also, for some people, it may not feel good in their bellies because of the strength. Some people I know at least.

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  11. Do not butt chug this stuff. It will burn your ass!

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  12. Try Olde English 800 with poutine. It tastes just as good while regurgitating it later.Then save that for a delicious liquid lunch for later.It is known as sloppy seconds, add crackers and salt and pepper to taste. Serve with any brand of malt liqour.Do not reveal the recipe if any one asks w.t.f is this? Thicken with flour to make secret super bowl dip with corn chips.It is quite healthy if kept fresh.A natural source of probiotic enzymes.

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  13. I mix it with Coors Light to make a pseudo lager like beverage.The addition of green dye on St.Patricks day today did not effect the taste at all.

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