Fairbanks Ruby Port
Sometimes you have to take one for the team and drink something that's borderline nasty and strictly bottom-shelf booze (ie. Olde English), if for no reason other than curiosity and for shits and giggles.
This time, it's Fairbanks Ruby Port, port of course being a wine fortified to bring the alcohol up a notch. This stuff is a lofty 18% alcohol. Which doesn't sound all that impressive, but that's around 30% stronger than typical wine, which adds up after a couple drinks. Trust me. You'll be dancing on the table in no time.
Now I've had some good port, but this isn't one of them.
I almost feel compelled to write about a real-life time I was drinking that involved elves, a Santa costume, and a donkey... but I don't know if this hooch deserves such funny stories. So instead, we'll get right into the review: Fairbanks Ruby Port pours a translucent, bright ruby red. So far so good. It has aromas of, I kid you not, fresh cherries and Swedish Fish. You know, those artificially-flavored chewy, little, red candy fish? Yeah, this stuff smells a lot like those disgusting things. That's bad enough, but still not the worst part. You take a sip and get straight-up cherry cough syrup. You read right, CHERRY COUGH SYRUP. What the Hell?! !! $^$@!! It tastes of fake, medicinal cherry and harsh alcohol. It's only marginally better than drinking real cough syrup, except it won't help your cough. The first glass is gross, but oddly enough if you can stomach it, the second glass doesn't seem all that bad.
The guy at the liquor store recommended this saying, "Lots of people sure buy the Fairbanks port." And yeah, those lots of people are probably homeless. Maybe he was just playing a joke on me. That bastard. I kid you not, this stuff only costs $3 for a 750mL bottle. That's certainly a pretty good cost-to-alcohol ratio. I can't decide if it's better than MD 20/20 and Boone's Farm, but it certainly fits into the same category of gross, boozy sweetness. At least this stuff is made from real wine.
Drink This: if you like nasty, fake cherry flavor and want to get your drink on... but only have $3.
Don't Drink This: if you have more than $3 to spend on booze.