Mike's Hard Fruit Punch

Mike's Hard Fruit Punch
Mike's Hard Lemonade Co.
Seattle, Washington
Alcohol Content: 5.5%
Calories: 230

Well, for the first time in the history of this blog I actually put how many calories were in something.

Not that I care.  Honestly, I don't.

BUT I figure that many people who are going to be reading this review are going to be girls.  And being girls, that means they are more likely to care about calories because, well, that's what girls do.  Manly men *cough* like me *cough* could  give a rat's ass about calories.  I'll eat a pound of bacon in a sitting, that's how awesome I am.  But then again, manly men aren't going to be drinking Mike's Hard Fruit Punch...  

...unless of course you're a beverage blogger who tries everything.  

Plus, I'm still on a quest to find something my wife will enjoy drinking on a regular basis.  Like I've said before, there have been many attempts and many failures (eg. Smirnoff Melon, Pinnacle Cotton Candy Vodka, etc.).  Fortunately there have been a few contenders (Disaronno Amaretto, Smirnoff Whipped Cream Vodka, Hiram Walker Whipped Cream) that she'll drink in a cocktail from time to time.  So, things are looking up.  Not that I want her to get fall-down, shitfaced drunk, but hey, everyone could use a little liquid relaxation every now and then.  

Speaking of fall-down, shitfaced drunk there was once a time that I convinced my wife to try some absinthe, despite the fact that she doesn't particularly enjoy anise or fennel flavors.  

Bad call.

I made the drink in an absinthe goblet with extra sugar cubes thinking that would help.  Well, she did end up drinking the entire glass after a nice dinner.  Actually a bit too quickly.  She really needs to work on pacing herself.  Soon she was dancing and laughing and thinking she was a stand-up comedian, which was hilarious.  Unfortunately this only lasted about two minutes followed by her running to the bathroom and puking repeatedly.  

That booze went straight to her head... then straight back out.
Good times.

Anyway, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah, Mike's Hard Fruit Punch.  Sorry, I get distracted.  My wife really likes fruit punch so what better to try than Mike's Hard Fruit Punch?  I figured hey, it'll be sweet enough for her to mask the alcohol, plus it'll be a flavor she likes.  Win, win.  Well, we got a six pack of this stuff a couple months ago and there's still two left, plus I had one I drank for review purposes.  So, that means she's been drinking one of these an average of every three weeks or so.  She might not be a fan.  She told me it tasted alright, but actually I think she was expecting it to taste sweeter and, well, not like alcohol.  Imagine that.  I don't think I would call this one a failure in trying to find her a drink since she will drink it, but it's still not a winner.  Disaronno mixed with cranberry juice or cola gets chosen over this every time.  Oh well.

So, Mike's Hard Fruit Punch is crazy bright red, just like, uh, fruit punch.  Weird how that worked out.  It smells predominantly of sugar, cough syrup, pineapple, and strawberries.  Tasting brings a Kool Aid type fruit punch flavor, but surprisingly less sweet, with a boozy, bitter finish.  

Even at only 5.5% alcohol, it's still tastable here.  I'm thinking that maybe they toned down the sweetness to make it less sickly sweet so that you can actually drink a couple of these in a sitting, which unfortunately unmasked the harshness of the alcohol.  It's hard to have both in a cheap, malt beverage.  Honestly Mike's Hard Fruit Punch is better than I was expecting.  Not much, but a little.  I still prefer the regular Mike's Hard Lemonade over this, but hey, what can you do.  

I've heard there's a newer Mike's HARDER Fruit Punch that's 8% alcohol.  I'm going to have to track down a can of that to compare.

Drink This: if you want a fruit punch-flavored malt beverage that surprisingly isn't sickly sweet.  As far as malt beverages go, I've had much worse. 
Don't Drink This: if you're a dude.  C'mon, guys, this is still girly as hell.  Don't let the fist on the bottle fool you.  If you want a manly sweet drink, make a cocktail  like a whiskey sour or something.  Quit being a wussy.


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